cicatrisation, now.

I still don't understand

I don't agree with the fact that this still hurts, but it does

I'm just living in the awareness that one day it will be gone, because I've been there before, I'm patiently waiting to see that happening just like it happened in the past

I probably made a silly mistake like putting ur pullover on last night because I was feeling cold

and maybe that was not a great idea, it might have brought some memories back

idealised memories because I never met u for real and what I carry around is the idea of a u that surely does not even exist

so it's self punishment for something else

I need a chocolate cookie tonight

which is a paradox because I feel such a weight on my stomach, I cried on the way home on the notes of that amazing song that I listen over and over again... I don't know if that replaying is just a desperate seeking for exorcism or pure self harming like cutting my skin before the wounds can heal

I just need my mind to cooperate

this thought won't go as fast as u did

and when I cannot hate u, I hate myself.

Poezzia #10

Ti ricordi il momento preciso in cui hai scoperto che
Babbo Natale non esiste?
Te lo ricordi?
Io me lo ricordo ancora bene
forse troppo bene
e credo che non dipenda né dalla mia formidabile memoria
né da quel momento in particolare
per buffo e goffo che sia stato
con una mamma assonnata in pigiama che si aggirava sotto l'albero tra i doni
Io me lo ricordo ancora bene
perché capita spesso
forse troppo spesso
Quella amara sensazione di consapevole disillusione
quel brivido freddo
tra il cuore e lo stomaco
Il rumore che fa la magia quando si spegne

u must own nothing to get everything

either I watched too many movies, listened to too many songs, read too many stories or those people who made the movies, composed the lyrics and put together the stories had lives very similar to mine

lately I feel like I'm walking on paths and thoughts which are awkwardly too familiar to me

I stop and smile and think

"this is exactly like in that book.."

ah, so it's true that quote that goes "everywhere I go I find out a poet has been there before me"

somehow it's a good feeling because you never feel left by yourself, whatever place that is

but it can be irritating on the long run, because for once I'd like it to be only mine, that place or that thought or that sensation

I cannot own anything

and maybe that's the real freedom to fly, the beauty of everything

the infinite colours of Love

sometimes you have to cross distances and difficulties to learn very basic emotions and the very basic nuances of love

not the kind of love for a job or for a partner

the kind of love you couldn't even imagine

the sincere love for a human being, the learning how to be present in their life tiptoeing silently, but letting them know that you are there

making a difference without any control

just because of that sincere love you developed towards them

I cannot tell you into details how this happened, but what I can tell you is that yesterday I had a magic moment and my heart exploded of a Love I did not even know before

farewell bittersweet unfairness

I stopped sleeping in ur big sweater

I started playing the game where I pretend that we never met and, sadly enough, it works

I stopped smiling when I recall a day we spent together

I started looking around

I stopped writing, thinking, waiting for you

or maybe

I started a different way of doing the very same things

because in the end I am still here

but parts of me no longer are

those parts that belonged to you

left already to some new place

farewell bittersweet unfairness.

per sempre.

alla fine avevo solo paura di dirlo

era come ammettere tutte quelle paure che facevano male anche solo al pensiero

prendere contatto con tutto quel passato

con tutto quello che c'è stato, che ha significato, che ha insegnato

tu

sorrido pensando che l'unico modo per capire determinate cose era passando attraverso tutto questo

non ci saranno mai le parole necessarie per dirti che mi hai salvato in tanti di quei momenti di cui non saprai nemmeno l'esistenza

ti porto dentro ogni cosa

e l'unica certezza è che questo sarà per sempre.

those perfect unexpected seconds

after a long day I was so lucky I got a ride home

just what I needed and I would have never dared to ask

I was so lucky to have the heater on in the seat all around me, like a hug

I was so lucky that I asked my friend to put on "whatever u feel like" music

and the notes which started playing were these

<3

I was so lucky I got a sincere message asking "how are u"

and the best feeling of it was that I know the person really cared about my answer

I was so lucky I could feel all this

despite all the times I wished I did not have to feel anything anymore


and today few important things happened, nothing certain yet but... fingers crossed

could this be a turning point where a lot of those pieces of the puzzle that everyone said "why are u even trying"

come together drawing a nice picture?

well, now it's too late and stupid anyways not to try a little more

so I will

and u'll see.