cicatrisation, now.

I still don't understand

I don't agree with the fact that this still hurts, but it does

I'm just living in the awareness that one day it will be gone, because I've been there before, I'm patiently waiting to see that happening just like it happened in the past

I probably made a silly mistake like putting ur pullover on last night because I was feeling cold

and maybe that was not a great idea, it might have brought some memories back

idealised memories because I never met u for real and what I carry around is the idea of a u that surely does not even exist

so it's self punishment for something else

I need a chocolate cookie tonight

which is a paradox because I feel such a weight on my stomach, I cried on the way home on the notes of that amazing song that I listen over and over again... I don't know if that replaying is just a desperate seeking for exorcism or pure self harming like cutting my skin before the wounds can heal

I just need my mind to cooperate

this thought won't go as fast as u did

and when I cannot hate u, I hate myself.